What do you think of this poem?
NoStankYou! asked:
What could I change and what is your total, honest, opinion?
Light streams through the leafy array of branches,
creating an illusion of day.
The yellow and green mess of tree petals are beginning to change color,
And the air is starting to cool.
It’s the time of year when the wind chimes replace bird’s songs,
And the smell of chimneys smoking
covers the scent of nectar lingering from summer.
The juice of sweet fruit that used to stick to our lips
is substituted for hot chocolate, steaming in our cold, rosy, faces.
And as I stand, looking at the sun setting behind these trees,
The earth underneath me spins.
Changing the weather and time,
The earth spins.
OMG IT WAS BEAUTIFUL I LOVE IT DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT MAYBE WRITING A BOOK ONE DAY??
Absolutely beautiful. I felt like I was there. I would not change a single letter.
Don’t change it at all it was great.
Wow! Awesome imagery, I feel teh earth changing around me and it’s only May! This paints a wodnerful picture for me, I wouldn’t change it. 10/10.
i love it too
love these two lines
And the smell of chimneys smoking
the juice of sweet fruit that used to stick to our lips
it’s like i knew exactly what you were talking about, i remember the chimney smoke and sticky swet fruit
loved it!
The beginning of the poem is too prose-like for the ending. I need more consistency between the single images and the narrative elements at the beginning.
You have tons of images, but take no time to realize any of them: delve more into the wind chimes, the chimneys smoking, or the lingering aspects of summer instead of conglomerating all three.
The repetition of the earth spinning isn’t strong enough as a last line. The image also borders on cliche.
Visually, do something to reconcile the alternating short and long lines.